Sunday, February 8, 2009

1999, The Turquoise Eye, Part 5

I must confess to some feelings of guilt here. I want to write pages, reams, tomes about my Lady N, truly. And yet, it is not where the story takes me, and is not the order in which things happened.

Oh, I spent a great deal of time mulling over my lady. Hiraedd, you might call it, that Celtic longing for what can not be had. I wanted her back, of course. Who wouldn't? How many of the dearest, closest friends are we given in this life?

And sometimes I was angry with her. How could she, I would think. How dare she take her self away from me? Well everyone has their self-centered moments, do they not? I had struggled for years between different feelings, never knowing exactly how I felt.

But now, suddenly, the note of my sadness changed. It became a larger kind of sadness, I think. I was angrier too, but it was not anger at her.

First I was angry at her father, because I realized that he had done something to her. Not something physical, but something. He had created within my Lady N the seed that would slay her. Was it not his hand, in some way, that wielded the glass, wielded the bottles of liquor that became her art; he, the failed artist, who had given her every self-hating phrase in her vocabulary to repeat endlessly, a song of her longing for his acceptance?

Well that is exactly how it was, at least if you ask me. And if he ever gets around to reading this, assuming the old man is still alive, he can eat the pages on which I write and choke.

Oh damn, I am being ungracious. Let me say that I came upon more insights into how people treat each other, and how we respond, and that I will write about them in time. But now I must be true to the story, and that means dreams and druids and a trail of little insights.

I tried to avoid the Turquoise Eye for several days. But I kept dreaming of that damned, rasping, whispering sound, and I shivered at the thought of sleeping another night.

And the hum of the sander! It is amazing how many places that same sound appears. It is the sound of sixty hertz passed through resisting coils. I could not escape it anywhere.

So, I went back to the Turquoise Eye.

14 comments:

  1. I am not sure if I will get farther than this today. We shall see. The week was filled with much activity.

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  2. You are only human Rab, even a wise heart has strong, powerful, and overwhelming emotions. Continue your tale when you are ready...

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  3. Excellent! Most excellent story to be sure. :D

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  4. you have a beautiful way with words.
    Lisa x

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  5. Ha! Eat the pages and die pedant! Brilliant Rab.

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  6. M'lady Wings - I am humbled by your good opinion of me.

    Natalie - Thank you! I have been learning all about the serialized conveyance of thought from my friends here. I am very happy that good things can eventually come from the type of experience that we never ask for. It almost makes you think there is hope for the world doesn't it? ;)

    Lisa - Thank you, and I am honored to see you on my list of recurring guests. I will make an effort to be a gracious host always.

    Clay - Ah my friend, you truly understand how I feel about that person at times. Other times I am a bit more tempered, but that typically comes only when I remain remote from the memory. I guess there is some fire in my belly... and that is not always a bad thing in our line of work!

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  7. Rab

    I am new to your blog and lingering.....as you see. I must say. You have some articulate and interesting friends. Take Clay for instance...What fun..I feel as if I have wondered in my personal Lady of the Local Pond Series...I may yet revive it with this inspiration..Lovely blog...Until that appointed later time.
    I remain
    Linda
    Psyche Connections

    Love your style.....

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  8. Thank you Linda. There is a very energetic circle here, many of whom follow this blog and Clay's, and who I also follow. The energy of Clay's pages are responsible for pulling me into Blogger in the first place. I don't know if Clay knows that, but I imagine he will read it here. You see, words are a form of action after all, a metaphysical motive force.

    Articulate is a good description for these friends we are making. I am probably the newest member to this group of bloggers, and I respect the others immensely. Watch, follow, and join us in conversation; only good can come of it.

    Regarding style: Years of essay and professional writing have produced some dry patches in my voice, but I endeavor to bring back some of the excitement in my narratives here. I do hope to improve as I go.

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  9. Your thought-provoking words leave me somewhat intrigued. I hope to learn more in the near future.

    CJ xx

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  10. Crystal Jigsaw - I will do my best to illuminate! Thank you for coming by.

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  11. oh! The circle is growing! Brilliant.

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  12. The words you left me in my blog have moved me deeply. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Peace to you, friend.

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  13. Pink - I am glad. I write what I feel and what I believe and what I have learned, and hope always that I am doing something good for all of us. When good people set out together, the world is made better.

    I am honored that you call me friend, my friend.

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